Why

Aside from logistics, “why” questions are what we get asked most often. Why adopt? Why India? Why now? Why aren’t you having biological kids right now? (Which, by the way, is an inappropriate question to ask anyone). 

This has been something that has been weighing heavily on me for quite a while now. For the most part, throughout this process, we have been met with love, grace, and support from friends, family, and strangers alike, but there’s always the random off-color comments or instagram posts that I stumble upon that sting. In light of a recent event in the adoption community (I’m not going to go into details about it here), there has been A LOT of talk on the internet about Christians adopting because it’s “trendy” without knowing what they are getting themselves into and without being prepared. It has hurt. It hurts that because of the actions of a few, we are all being accused of not loving our children, or future children. 

So, while I can’t speak for every person who decides to adopt internationally and/or transracially, I can speak for us. 

I have loved children since I was a child myself, and I have wanted and planned to adopt since I was a teenager. I have a heart for children without families and wanted to provide family to a kid without one. When Cody and I started dating, I was clear about my intent, and we discussed and prayed about it together over the years, and we knew that was how we would grow our family at some point. 

Throughout our marriage, we had always talked about adopting internationally as that was where we both felt called. When we had been married for two years we decided it was time to start thinking about kids. In May of that year (2018), we decided to devote that summer (or longer if needed) to prayer and research about adoption to see if it was right for our family at this time. Even though we both felt we wanted to adopt internationally, we didn’t rule out any options. We spoke to people who had personally fostered in the US and adopted and spoke to agencies for domestic infant adoption, various countries for international adoption, and foster care. 

At the end of that summer (4 months), we both felt the same that our child was in India. So, we began more research and education specifically about Indian culture and adoption before officially starting the process two months later. 

There are many kids in India without parents to care for them, many of them with special needs, and the majority of them are in institutionalized (orphanage) care. There are also many children in China, Uganda, and other countries without families. There are also many children here in the United States in need of parents, both in the foster system, or those whose first families choose adoption for them. All of these kids are worthy. All deserve a family. My heart hurts for them all, but I can’t be a mom to them all. I can’t adopt them all. Right now, I can adopt a child from India though. My child is in India. 

I will also say that the only people we have met with criticism about our decision to adopt internationally have been people who have never adopted or fostered. The wonderful humans I know who chose to foster children or a different path of adoption have met us with love and support (just as we love and support them), because they too share that ALL these kids deserve a family and a home, and that different paths are right for different families. 

We don’t know what the future will hold for growing our family, but I will say we didn’t go into this lightly. We went in with years of talking about and praying about it first and months and months of research before we even started the months of the home study and required education. We read multiple books and blogs about adoption (including trauma and parenting children who have been in institutionalized care). 

We understand that adopting internationally (and many times just adopting in general) comes with many unknowns, trauma, and obstacles. While I don’t know if we can be fully prepared since we haven’t been through it yet, we are doing everything we can to make sure we are, and we  are prepared to love and care for this child no matter what. 

I worked in pediatric hospice for four years, and if there’s one thing that I learned it’s that none of the parents expected or planned the illness or diagnosis their child had. Whether they found out at 16 weeks gestation or 16 years, it wasn’t a part of the plan, but for the most part, they were there through it all. They were their child. Just like this baby, even though they won’t have my smile or their daddy’s eyes, or our skin color will be ours forever, no matter what.